new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
