I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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