Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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