We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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