blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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