is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
