so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
