do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Four minutes until I can fart!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
