I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Watching her eat just hurts me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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