i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
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