We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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