Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
