I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
