Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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