Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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