nut hugger
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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