I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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