no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
