I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize