I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
