ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm way too hungover for life right now
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize