Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
