just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
