He uses pillows to masturbate.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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