Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
