Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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