He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
