In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize