Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
