I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
