she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Randomize
