Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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