I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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