Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
