I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
