Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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