Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
