the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
