Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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