I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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