if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
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Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
