That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm like, not good at living.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
