I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
