If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
