dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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