my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
as a side note pls kill me
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
