Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
