I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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