I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
