I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
