i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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