remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize