My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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