Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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