he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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